Shepherding the Wounded: Guiding Those Hurt by Church Experiences (Part 3)

What Does a Good Shepherd Do?

Let’s stroll out to the pasture to observe how shepherds handle sheep that are neglected or abused.

First, we happen upon a bad shepherd.

If that sheep wants to be left alone and overgrown, fine. Just as long as it doesn’t influence the good sheep that know how to listen. Sound harsh? Sadly, some pastors with narcissistic tendencies may behave this way. I’ll add resources on this subject to the end of this article.

Next, we find two mediocre shepherds.

In the church, pastors who catch a whiff of church hurt may react in similar ways. The timid or conflict-avoidant leader may opt to give lots of space. When a hurting person narrows their eyes instead of smiling when approached, the pastor feels sad, but avoids rather than engages. He may whisper a prayer, but doesn’t ask direct questions to find out more.

Blinking, wide-eyed, and a bit chilly, the bare sheep hardly knows what just happened. Unfortunately, this shepherd doesn’t have time to help it process. He has a full agenda and moves on to his next task. When the sheep sees this shepherd coming again, it trots away in a hurry. Sure, it could hardly move before it was shorn, but it mainly associates the shepherd with rough handling.

Overly confident or impatient leaders may rush in to help without pausing to listen. “You’ve been through a lot. I get it,” they’ll say, pulling up the church website. “But you’re more than a conqueror. Amen? So, we’re going to leave all that behind at your old church. You’ve come to the right place! Let’s get you plugged in. The discipleship class is about to start up; that will be good for you. Also, you’ll need a small group. Do you play softball? It doesn’t really matter; we can use you in right field. Oh, and it’s important to serve so that you don’t get to thinking that church is all about receiving. We’ll start you off slow as a greeter. Ok, let’s have a good, long prayer before I send you off. You’re going to love it here, I know it!” This approach can, unfortunately, backfire if these individuals have unresolved wounds that are still sensitive to the touch.

But the Good Shepherd?

Let’s take some cues from YouTube’s shepherds and shepherdesses once again as we journey through Psalm 23.

A wise shepherd knows how to minimize a predatory appearance. He sits down near the sheep and avoids direct eye contact to communicate that he’s nonthreatening. Next, the best way to make friends with a skittish sheep is to offer nourishment from your hand. I saw this tip demonstrated in quite a few shepherd videos (like this one). With patience, a gentle demeanor, and a handful of healthy treats, a shepherd can gradually build rapport with a sheep.

Likewise, a pastor earns trust by coming alongside the fearful believer, listening, and asking careful questions to understand. If you’re leading a group of hurting people, it might seem efficient to send out a church-wide video, email, or survey to communicate that you’re safe and listening. Those methods have their place, but they feel impersonal. Find your hurting sheep and spend face-to-face time with them in a smaller group or individually, if you can. You don’t have to do this alone. Get mature Christian leaders around you to help bear the burden. The story of Aaron and Hur holding up Moses’s arms comes to mind (Ex. 17:11-13). 

Additionally, sometimes the best way to reach a fearful heart is by caring for those they love most. Real shepherds understand this. When they tend to a newborn lamb, the mother sheep might be uneasy at first. But when she sees the shepherd’s care and tenderness with her little one, she begins to trust. Parents who’ve been hurt or burned out might hesitate to get involved again, but when they see their children thriving (feeling loved, known, and growing in faith), it softens their hearts.

In the video above, homesteader and shepherd, Zac Bauer, shares several practical tips for gaining the trust of sheep. As you watch, consider how his advice can apply to a trusting relationship between church leaders and those who follow. Disclaimer for the literal among us: Don’t lock up mothers and children behind bars to bond. Think about how you can demonstrate care and attentiveness toward families in human-appropriate ways... please.

New or frightened sheep don’t listen well. When a shepherd attempts to lead, they’ll hang back, look quizzically at how others respond in the flock, and feel uncertain about whether they can trust the voice calling them. However, as the shepherd spends time among them, showing by consistent care that he’s safe, the sheep begin to recognize their shepherd as someone good. They’ll know his voice and associate it with provision and peace. What starts as hesitation slowly turns into trust. This patient process mirrors how faithful pastors and leaders help wounded believers learn to follow again after being hurt.

Pastors, if it seems like a congregant (or a group of people) just doesn’t like you, it might be tempting to keep your distance. I’d imagine it’s a lot easier to hang out with the sheep who trust and admire you. You won’t earn the trust of hurting sheep from afar, though.

Leading those who’ve been hurt starts with consistency and peaceful presence. Show you’re safe by keeping confidences, following through on what you say, and giving people space to speak without fear of being abruptly corrected. Take time to really listen to their story before drawing conclusions, and let your steady care, humility, and patience rebuild what others have broken. As Peter reminds, “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care… not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:2-3).

In the above video, Norwegian shepherd, Christopher Lange, tests his flock to see if they will respond to friends using his usual calls or only to his voice.

Both hurting sheep and hurting people can sense frustration quickly. Just as a sheep is startled by direct eye contact, a sharp tap of the crook, or having its head grabbed, a wounded believer can be shaken by pushy requests to serve, insensitive jokes, or an authoritative tone.

In practical terms, this means patiently creating an environment that allows your sheep to heal. Encourage them when you see their spiritual gifts, talents, and skills begin to shine. Please don’t rush to plug them into an open volunteer spot, though. Let them know that their part in your community is a gift just because they’re a child of God—not because of what they can offer. Keep the door open for them to re-engage in ministry when they’re able.

The video above shows how a hopeful and caring shepherdess helped two sheep who were once isolated and neglected become strong and thriving members of her flock.

Healing is a gradual process. Wounded people may sometimes lash out in frustration or pain, impacting pastors, leaders, or fellow believers. My heart goes out to pastors and their spouses, who often endure much as they shepherd a hurting flock. Guiding those who are wounded requires patience, wisdom, and grace, the same grace Jesus modeled on the cross when he prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

It’s a delicate balancing act: allowing those who have been hurt to process their pain while also helping them step into the victory they have in Christ. Through steady, loving guidance, leaders can help the flock move from being victims of past wounds to becoming victors in the grace and power of Jesus.

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Resources for Church Leaders

Jesus paints a vivid picture in the familiar passage of John 10:1-18, when he contrasts the Good Shepherd with the thief and the hired hand. The Good Shepherd knows his sheep, protects them, and lays down his life for them. The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, while the hired hand runs at the first sign of trouble. Pastors who long to model their ministry after Jesus know that leading a flock isn’t easy. When you have hurting sheep in the mix, it’s even more challenging, but God grants wisdom to those who ask for it (Prov. 2:6, James 1:5).

I hope you’ll find the resources below helpful as you seek to shepherd wisely, compassionately, and with Christ as the source of your strength.

Author / Source	Link	Summary
American Association of Christian Counselors	PDF Link (darrellpuls.com)	Examines narcissistic traits among pastors and offers insights for preventing abuse and promoting emotional health in leadership.
J. Lanier Burns	BOOK: Pride and Humility at War: A Biblical Perspective (2018, P&R)	Burns argues that the Bible presents humility as the supreme virtue rooted in a God-centered life, while pride is the hidden source of our deepest sins, and that true significance is found not in self-exaltation but in humble dependence on the Lord.
Chuck DeGroat	BOOK: When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (IVP, 2020)	DeGroat examines how narcissistic patterns show up in church leadership and community, offers healing pathways, and emphasizes restoration for both the wounded and the church.
Justin Irving & Mark Strauss	BOOK: Leadership in Christian Perspective: Biblical Foundations and Contemporary Practices for Servant Leaders (Baker, 2019)	A biblically grounded and research-driven guide to Christian leadership that helps church leaders prioritize followers and practice servant leadership instead of hierarchical or celebrity-driven models.
Michael J. Kruger	Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church (Zondervan, 2022).	Addresses the structures and habits that enable spiritual abuse, urging leaders toward accountability and Christ-like shepherding.
Dr. Diane Langberg	VIDEO: “When the Church Harms God’s People” BOOK: When the Church Harms God’s People: Becoming Faith Communities That Resist Abuse, Pursue Truth, and Care for the Wounded (Brazos, 2024)	Langberg unveils how churches cause harm and why Christian communities often foster unhealthy leaders who end up hurting rather than protecting God’s people. She also offers hope for the future, describing how churches can reflect Christ not just in what they teach but also in how they care for themselves and others.
Shawn Lovejoy	BOOK: The Measure Of Our Success: An Impassioned Plea To Pastors (Baker Books, 2012)	Challenges ministers to redefine success through servanthood and faithfulness rather than numbers or influence.
Scot McKnight & Laura Barringer	BOOK: A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing (Tyndale, 2020)	Encourages churches to develop “tov” (goodness) cultures that reflect God’s character and protect against power abuse.
John Piper	BOOK: Brothers, We Are Not Professionals: A Plea to Pastors for Radical Ministry, Updated and Expanded Edition (B&H, 2013)	A call for pastors back to a gospel-centered, servant-hearted ministry rather than performance- or status-driven leadership.
Joe Rigney	BOOK: Leadership and Emotional Sabotage: Resisting the Anxiety That Will Wreck Your Family, Destroy Your Church, and Ruin the World (Canon Press, 2024)	Rigney warns Christian leaders of the emotional “sabotage” anxiety can cause, and calls them to rediscover the steady courage and nerve needed to lead well in chaotic, high-stress environments.
Karen Roudkovski	BOOK: Understanding Spiritual Abuse: What It Is and How to Respond (B&H, 2024)	Equips pastors and counselors to identify abuse dynamics and cultivate emotionally safe church environments.
Peter Scazzero	BOOK: The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and the World (Zondervan, 2015) BOOK: The Emotionally Healthy Church: A Strategy for Discipleship That Actually Changes Lives (Zondervan, 2015)	Scazzero teaches that lasting, healthy leadership begins with confronting your inner life (i.e., your fears, limits, and emotional patterns) so you can lead others with integrity. In his book for churches, he shows how congregations flourish when they embrace emotional honesty, healthy boundaries, and slow, reflective discipleship, creating a community of growing spiritual maturity.
P. D. Tripp	BOOK: Lead: 12 Gospel Principles for Leadership in the Church (Crossway, 2020)	Offers a gospel framework for healthy leadership marked by humility, accountability, and dependence on God’s grace.
J. R. Woodward	BOOK: The Scandal of Leadership: Unmasking the Powers of Domination in the Church (100 Movements Publishing, 2023).	Analyzes how public affirmation and crowd dynamics can feed domineering leadership, offering corrective theological reflection.

Conclusion

To those church shepherds who may be reading, thank you for caring enough to seek understanding. The heart of Christ is seen most clearly when His under-shepherds reflect His gentleness and patience toward the broken. I pray you’ll keep walking closely with the Chief Shepherd (1 Peter 5:4). As you help the wounded to heal, I pray He will strengthen and sustain you too.

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Footnotes:

1 To the readers who hold complementarian convictions or interpret 1 Timothy 2:11-12 in a way that restricts women from teaching men in the church: I want to acknowledge that concern. My aim in this post is not to teach or exercise authority over pastors, but simply to share my experience and perspective as one of the sheep. I offer these reflections humbly, in the hope that they may serve and support those who shepherd others.

2 For the hermeneutical sticklers: you’re right. In context, Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:12–14 and Luke 15:3–7 are about repentance. But since the Good Shepherd goes after the sheep that wanders, it seems he would also pursue those who didn’t rebel, but were scared off by the sin nature at work in others.

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Photography courtesy of Pexels and Unsplash.